Who Am I?

Something happened the very moment I read 'positive' on the pregnancy test. All of a sudden, every decision came with a thought of "how will this affect my baby?"

Somehow I thought that this new way of thinking would go away after I had the baby. Boy, who am I kidding? It amplified x 1000! 

Now, every decision I make has Josie in the forefront. I mean, I cut out dairy (y'all have no idea how much I love pizza) for this little one. I choose to hustle all day at work so I can focus on her when I get home. I work a side business to help prepare a way for her future. Everything I do seems to have an affect on her. 

So in the realization of this, everything changed to me. And somewhere between August of 2016 and now, I feel like I've lost myself. (Oh my, did I just admit that- to actual people!? Did I just admit that my new role as a momma isn't all bliss and glitter?) I often think to myself, "Who Am I now?" The way I identified myself before, isn't so anymore. Being a mom has dominated who I am. And I can't help but feel a little lost. Now I've gotta figure out how to put God first, my husband next, and then Josie... which is SO much easier said than done. Josie seems to trump everyone sometimes.  

I feel like this is so different for the dads than the moms. (Dads, I'm not hating on you- I promise) Since we had Josie, Josh has gone into hyper focus on being our provider and the head of the household. I absolutely love watching him be daddy to Josie. I fall in love even MORE seeing him with Josie. He absolutely loves it

The first time he left the house for band practice for our worship team at church, a little bit of jealousy sunk in. (Can I just be real?) Then the first time he woke up on a Saturday and said I'm going to mow the yard, I felt that jealousy again. It seemed so easy for him to go back to normal life and I just couldn't find my groove... How do I balance what I used to do- with my new responsibilities of a mom. Especially as a breastfeeding momma, where my body literally sustains her. (Don't hate on Josh either- as soon as I started pumping and Josie could take a bottle- he started sending me out for "me time")

But, It's been such a learning curve. How do I find time to spend time with the Lord?? Pre Josie- I simply woke up 20 min earlier than normal, poured a cup of coffee, and read the word. Now I'm begging for 20 more min of sleep before I get up to nurse her, burp her, then hand her off to Josh to get a quick shower and make myself halfway presentable for work. 

But this morning (at 7 am) the Lord refreshed my outlook.  Josie simply wanted and needed to be held (poor baby had her shots yesterday)- so I just hit play on my Sonos speaker on the Elevation Worship station and the Lord started speaking to me.  It's okay to change. It's a delight to him for my worship to become singing worship songs to my baby and allowing myself to be refreshed. For me to sleep a little bit more and squeeze in my prayer time in the shower. It's okay for me to find a new normal... but most importantly- it's okay to feel a little lost and that it doesn't make me any less of a mom.


So Mommas and Daddies- be encouraged- the Lord delights in your care of your babies and children. He delights when you question and talk with Him.

"Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate." -Psalm 127:3-5

P.S. I REALLY love Josie- and am forever grateful to be finding the new me!